bah humbug

U know, I used 2 like Christmas...

I really did, my mom did a real good job at instilling the holiday spirit, but over the years I've become jaded...

Perhaps it started with my son's 1st Christmas, sad enough 2 say - this was also the day that my favorite auntie died - 12/25/1994. Maybe if that wasn't enough the very thought of family togetherness 4 the holiday season and life just not working out as you planned makes the holiday a depressing time 4 many out there.

Recently (very recently) an old friend of the family, since removed due to relationship issues, took his own life. A good man with an infant child, just could bare 2 go on no longer. Life & Death & Christmas... & now a recession!

When does it stop, when will the madness ever end?

I started writing a book... 4 a long time now I've dreamed of channelling my creative energy and emotions. Oh the emotions how I wish I could keep them in check. I started out strong, the angst of growing up a biracial child, raised white but clearly not. Tales of attention seeking measures & outcomes & on & on. But alas, I've fallen by the way side. Writing does truly help me 2 free up my heart a lil bit but then life dumps on you & it's the holidays & you want so much & have so little 2 get or give & it hurts, so you drink the pain away & struggle the next day 2 do it all over again...

On my own now, tryin 2 stay strong 4 my only child & teach him the right...

Until we meet again...

yea, yea, yea

It's been a minute, I know, you know, lets just go from there...

So much time has passed and so much has happened.

I got an awesome new job!! It is really awesome, lots to learn, lots of hard work, but challenging, that's what I both needed and wanted. Somewhat demanding, but sent me to NY twice for training, new life, new experiences. So in the job dept, in Detroit, I am blessed!!! I just got to figure out the rest of what I am doing...

My father has passed... He managed to live 14/15 months with stage IV, small cell lung cancer... Cancer changed him from the man I never really knew completely, to slowly seeing the wit & laughter fade from his eyes as his body began to shut down on him completely. He was trapped, I tried to comfort and care for him, but he had to shed his shell.

And on the social scene... I am officially getting a divorce. I've talked about it, blogged about it, thought about it and in all actuality, until just now, I never really meant it. I was mad or throwing a fit, definitely at my wits end and unhappy. But my soon to be X husband helped me to be okay with the fact that I am a failure at this marriage thing. I suppose I can't be all cliche on the whole "I'll never get married again" but I really don't feel I ever will...

Sometimes being a single girl sux a$$ not just financially (duh) but emotionally and physically too. There are just some things a girl is not manufactured to do, and equally so for men. So I may not want/need or desire for a full time man, to aggravate me and irritate me, I would like you to come over do yard work, clean gutters and hang xmas lights, but you can't stay ;p

perhaps

I just don't even know where to start...

Perhaps, if I posted more often that wouldn't be a problem, but that's neither here nor there...

So what's going on in melsworld, I know u are dying to know... lol

Well, I am officially unemployed, for like the 1st time in my life!!!!! It's weird and amazing at the same time;p Fear not, I am not broke, at least not yet - took a buyout - wisest thing I've ever done, if I do say so myself - I FUCKIN HATED MY JOB - and now at least I have a little bit of peace.

I kicked my husband out, again, wait that's not new... believe it or not, it will offically be a year next week, seems like so much longer than that though. I just don't know how people do it!?!? The 1st year is supposed to be the best right???? I mean I know our situation was unconventional - but it is highly unlikely we will make it to our 2nd anniversary, I just don't have the patience...

Oh, my car got stolen... NICE!!!! Let's hear it for the city of DETROIT!!!!! I guess I should be happy that I made it to the age of 32 before that actually happened to me, but it wasn't even my fault - the husband had it but that's another post for another day...

Time just flies when you are unemployed... It has offically been 2 weeks without a job but it really doesn't feel like it's even been 1 full work week...

Got a MAJOR interview tomorrow... Wish me love and luck!!!!

Thanks!
peace in the middle east

again

OK, so I kicked him out again!

I am so tired of the up and down back and forth of it all...

Is it really me, is marriage not for me? Or is it really him? I don't know what the heLL is going on, but I do know I can't take it anymore.

I've got so many changes going on in my life... work... my dad... emotionally... There is only so much I have to give to a marriage. And he does not appear to be helping matters any. He is supportive to an extent. He did some driving and appointment keeping for me, took some of the stress and worry off my back... But how come his unemployed ass cannot fold laundry, or arrange to meet some of my needs? I need him to WANT to do things with me. To WANT to play cards and have a relaxing, social evening with me. I need him to WANT to have a regular sex life with me. To WANT to be with me in every sense of the word...

I mean what's up with that?!?!? I know, I repeat, I KNOW I am an attractive woman... I am NO supermodel, but I'm a hot girl... I had MORE than my share of male (clears throat) suitors... I've had the best of times and experiments and adventures, but what the heLL is HIS problem?!?! I mean really what the fuck is his problem? Why can't he do this right? Why can't he chose to keep his ass at home with his wife? Why does he have to come up with excuses and leave the house for proloooooonged periods of time for this bullshit or that bullshit and end up making me so pissed off over the bullshit that I end up having to lock him out?!?!

Or is it me??? Am I too demanding? Am I too needy?? Am I a sex addict???

What the heLL? How do I fix it?? How do I stop it???

How do I end it?

Till Death Do us Part

Hey PeePs!!!


I know it's been awhile since I've posted & if you take a glance back - I start every entry with I know:

In any case, I am still alive - kicking & screaming - but those that really know me, know that's what I do. I'm a tough cookie, can roll with the punches - but I am sensitive as heLL... My husband tells me all the time "quit being such a girl" blank stare, blink, blink -

news flash

I AM A GIRL!!!!!!!

id10t

geeze

And on the subject of husbands... Why is it that when we were "dating", co-habitating, living in sin, I loved him to death - but now that we've exchanged vows and made it legal - All I want to do is ring his ding dang neck!?!?!?

I mean what is it that makes men and women so bleeping different??? We all come from a woman, as a gift from God... We are all created in God's image & taught right from wrong (well at least most of us are)... So why in the heLL are men so stupid (damn right, I called men stupid - sue me) when it comes to the emotional needs of women. Perhaps I need a man to answer that one, because they LOVE us, are attracted to us & even if you don't go the heterosexual route, it seems as if most gay men are portrayed as being feminine in tv & movies & even in my personal experience, having met a gay man or 2 in my day - they are totally feminine, so what gives??? Why are men so totally oblivious and ignorant to the needs and wants of women???

I suppose that's good for my rant of the day, week - month even, because my focus right now is not choking my husband!!!!

upd

i know it's been a loooooooong little while since i've blogged...

updates coming soon ;p